Today I finished reading to the kids Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It took us nearly a year to get through it what with all the hoopla going on. The older two are quite capable of reading it on their own, but they love having me read it aloud to them, even with my not-so-good British accents. I love this time with them. I believe I will always cherish in my heart the memories of our teatime with Harry Potter.
As I read the last two chapters of Book V, I was struck anew by Harry's deep grief, by his anger over the loss of Sirius. When I read this for the first time in 2007, I thought I understood. But now, I realize how very insightful Rowling's descriptions of Harry's feelings are. It was soothing to read it.
It was also remarkable how Dumbledore explained his "absence" during the previous summer and school year. How Dumbledore had held Harry in high regard and cared for him so deeply, yet kept a distance from him because he felt it was necessary. It is not a perfect analogy, but it helped me to see how my own questionings of God's love during the last five months have been born out of an unnecessary distrust.
It is during this silence after our recent storms that I find faith the most difficult. 'So where are You? I need You to help me make sense of this, to piece it together, to clean up the wreckage. I need Your guidance, Your assurance, where are You?' Just as Harry asked all summer and school year, "Where is Dumbledore?"
I can see in this book my folly of not trusting God during this season of silence. He is here with me, with all of us, all the time. Why should I doubt that He won't be there when we have at last gotten through this desert? It may sneak up on me or it may come suddenly, but there will be a day when I look back at this time and say, "Oh, I see, You never did leave me, did You? You never stopped loving me or liking me. I was utterly foolish to doubt You!"
I can trust that He loves me even in this seemingly unending desert of medical bills, David's extreme work hours, and a huge pile of homeschool to catch up on. He loves my husband, my children; He loves us all. In storms, in silence, in good times, His love is always certain. Even when our love falters, His love is unchanged.